Closure is Fake: How to Let Go Without a Perfect Ending
- jennysmithmattfeldt
- Feb 28
- 3 min read
Updated: Mar 10
By JENNY SMITH MATTFELDT Published February 28, 2025
I’m not sure if this is just a women’s thing, but it’s definitely something I’ve experienced over and over in my life. We tend to hold onto situations when we don’t feel like we got closure. I used to talk it out with my friends again and again, convinced that if I just had one last conversation, I’d finally understand everything and be able to let go. You replay it in your mind, overthinking every detail, believing that the only reason you’re stuck is because you never got a real ending. We externalize the feeling, placing all the weight on an outside situation, one we can’t control, rather than taking responsibility for how we feel. But at the end of the day, it’s just a coping mechanism.
Closure is not an external thing you can receive, it's an internal decision you make, and it actually has very little to do with the other person involved.
It's an uncomfortable truth and if you're in middle of a heartbreak or something unexpectedly unfair my heart really does go out to you. Everything you are hoping to hear or see from this other person is actually going to be found interally. We tell ourselves if we could just have one last conversation or an explanation then we could let it go, but that's not really true. The only thing that can make you feel better is to realize now everything is back in your control and the only way to move past it is to forgive everyone involved, including yourself.
Nadia Bolz-Weber recently said on Rainn Wilson’s podcast, Soul Bloom, that forgiveness is simply deciding you no longer want to be connected to a person or situation. You’re choosing not to let that energy 'infiltrate your heart'. No matter what happened, dwelling on it keeps you tied to it—it chains you there. Letting go isn’t about excusing anything; it’s about freeing yourself.
Saying it is one thing, but I know that actually living through it is another. Still, today is your chance to take small steps in that direction. Moving forward is in your hands, and answering these questions will help you see exactly what you can control.
What emotions come up when you think about this? Anger, sadness, relief, confusion? Whatever it is, know that you’re allowed to feel it. Naming and identifying your emotions is the first step to bringing them back into your own control.
What did this experience teach you? Are there lessons, growth, or insight you can take from it? Someone recently told me, "The good days come with wins, and the bad days come with lessons." So, in the long run, what were you meant to take away from this?
What would you say to them if you had the chance? Write a letter to whoever was involved—pour out everything you wish you could tell them. Then, take that letter and burn it. There’s something so cathartic about tossing it into the fire and letting it go.
What do I wish I could hear in response? If you feel like you need closure from the situation there's probably something you're hoping you could hear from them. Write down exactly what they would say to you in a perfect world, what's the explanation that would help you understand?
What parts of this equation are in your control? And what’s out of your hands, something you need to release? The thoughts you dwell on, the way you take care of yourself, how you react, how you handle similar situations in the future, who you keep in your life, and what behavior you accept from others, that’s all within your control. What the other person is doing now, where they’re going, what they’re posting, that’s not. Let that part go.
How can I give myself that closure that I need? So often, the things we crave from others are just reflections of what we aren’t giving ourselves. Did you wish they had put you first? This week, how can you make yourself your top priority? Did you desperately want them to be proud of you? How can you show pride in yourself? Everything you wanted from them, you have the ability to give to yourself.
What does moving forward look like for me? The upside of going through pain is that the phase that follows, after the healing, is almost always so fun. Take a moment to write down everything you couldn’t do, put off, or held yourself back from in that relationship or situation. Now, those things are fully yours to chase after.
You are tough, you're capable, and you are going to be okay.
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